I'm busy, but here's a puzzle

what would you use this item for?

PS congratulations, you graduated, yea yea

I AM A GROWN UP NOW

here are the things that have happened since this blog went into hibernation:

college
i finished college
i live in london now
enrolled in masters' degree as private in-joke with myself (not that funny)
i decided to be a lawyer
i turned 21 and then i turned 22
different hair
michael jackson died
acquired semipermanent manfriend
am now only like 90-95% self-involved
rode on bicycles a lot
had a feminist awakening
did lots of cooking

WILL I EVER BE FUNNY AGAIN???

~*Feelings*~

I don't need a wife
living the timeless life
If I need a friend I just give a wriggle
Split right down the middle
And when I look there's two of me
Both as handsome as can be
Oh here we go slithering, here we go slithering and squelching on